The First Exorbitant Purchase of a Hobby That Will Cost Even More
Today we tackle a hot topic like a neoprene wetsuit under the Red Sea sun: choosing the perfect dive computer… oh dear… perfect… it might not be perfect, but it will surely be expensive.
Minimum goal of this guide: learn not to buy a toaster thinking it’s a diving device.
Maximum goal: make you spend as much as possible in a largely unnecessary way, because a dive computer essentially needs to do 3 things; everything else is money spent for 3 seconds of serotonin that will dissipate like bubbles on the surface and to compete over who has the coolest computer when you’re on the boat with strangers.
Why Do You Need a Dive Computer?
First of all, because we can’t trust our goldfish memory to remember how much time we’ve spent underwater and how much oxygen we have left; if you live in the West in 2024, you’re surely worn out, stressed, and depressed, so better not count too much on your lucidity (and it has nothing to do with nitrogen narcosis) and rely on good old technology.
The dive computer essentially needs to do 3 things: calculate dive time, calculate dive depth, calculate the NDL (how long you can stay at a certain depth before annoying the rest of the group), tell you off when you stay too long, or ascend too quickly; and predict the possibility of diving with air or Nitrox. Is that 5 things? Well, better let the computer do the math.
For these 3 things, it’s practically impossible to spend less than 150 euros; and to think these are calculations that a public school teacher in Italy could do, who earns much less than this amount. For that price, you can buy a Cressi Giotto or a Cressi Leonardo; everything else is flashy lights and consumerism explosion.
But since we like squandering money (we’re divers!), here are the criteria to consider when choosing our new underwater friend.
Display: Readable Even in a Bubble Orgy
A nice clear and readable display is essential. Imagine being 30 meters deep and seeing only confused numbers because your display is as small as an old Game Boy screen.
If you’re a diver, it’s statistically probable that you have two characteristics: you’re old and chubby. And old and chubby means myopic. And if you’re myopic, you’d better dive with something that resembles an iPad strapped to your forearm.
Some models with a display as big as the screen at Bar Ciccio for the soccer World Cup? Ratio IX3M (proudly made in Italy), Mares Quad, practically the entire Shearwater catalog, if you really want to flaunt something on your wrist that costs as much as your dive guide’s annual income.
Features: From Nitrox to Haptic Alerts
Being Italian is great, cool, and all, but there’s a problem: the Mediterranean is scandalously cold and cold means a 5mm wetsuit or worse, a hood on your head. Now, I don’t know about you, but with a hood on, I wouldn’t even hear the sound of Black Sabbath (my last concert, which left me with tinnitus for 3 days), let alone the timid beep emitted by most computers. This is where the vibration feature becomes very handy, allowing you to clearly hear your computer’s alerts and could even make for a fun erotic game on bad weather days.
Another essential feature is the ability to switch from air to Nitrox because sooner or later, it’s a certification you’ll need to take and having to change computers right away because you didn’t foresee this obvious evolution of your skills would be a slap in the face even for a diver.
If you’re a diver, then, besides being old, chubby, and spendthrift, you probably have another characteristic: the inability to navigate underwater, without having the Advanced certification somehow remedy this problem. In this case, it can be useful for your computer to have a compass, which you won’t know how to use, like any self-respecting diver, but at least now and then you can see that what you didn’t understand during the Advanced course you still don’t understand afterward.
Wireless connection with the tank: here we are in the realm of bells and whistles, but there are those who are starting to prefer wireless air consumption reading over the good old pressure gauge. They argue that it is a more reliable technology (the breaking of the pressure gauge underwater is one of those experiences told to divers as children around a campfire on Halloween night).
Forget GPS: there’s a limit to consumer credulity, and underwater GPS doesn’t work.
Postscript: hurrah to all the brave ones who, by burning fossil fuels, are trying to raise the temperature of the seas. In a few years, it will be possible to dive off the coasts of the Bel Paese among tiger sharks and mantas, without needing to go to Indonesia, and Italy, besides the world’s best artistic heritage, will also have a tropical sea!
Battery Life: Don’t Leave Us in the Dark!
Battery life is crucial. You don’t want your computer to turn off in the middle of the coral reef. Some models have rechargeable batteries (like your smartphone), others use standard batteries that you can easily replace. Think about how many dives you do and choose accordingly.
User Interface: Simplicity is Beauty
A complicated interface can turn your dive trip into a tech struggle. Look for intuitive models, with large buttons (to use with gloves) and simple menus. In other words, if you can use it without a 300-page manual, you’re on the right track.
Durability: Lasts Longer Than a 12-Liter Tank
A good dive computer must be durable. Imagine bumping into a rock and seeing your precious gadget break into a thousand pieces. Look for models with good shock protection and scratch resistance.
Price: The Right Compromise
Finally, the price. The price scale for computers ranges from "shameless" to "obscene." Basic models from Cressi or Mares are classics of diving schools and rental equipment and do 90% of the work; from there to spending a salary is a snap.
Some of the Most Popular Models
1. Suunto Zoop Novo: Ideal for beginners, simple and robust.
2. Shearwater Teric: For the more demanding divers, with an OLED display and advanced features.
3. Garmin Descent Mk2i: A dive computer that is also a smartwatch; an exaggerated toy for tech-loving adults.
4. Ratio IX3M: My choice; gigantic display perfectly readable in all lighting conditions; haptic alerts you can't miss or ignore; integrated compass; Nitrox compatibility; PC connection to download logbook data to software like Subsurface.
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